Leave Me Lost

​A pain burns in me like you wouldn’t believe

Fires eating all the love I receive

Leaving me bitterly twisted, 

Upright with resistance
To spin out of control

Taking up everything I see

Whirlwind motion

Destroying this all

Alongside me 
Push those away who 

Could get hurt in the chaos

Blow out all candles

All beacons for I am 

Meant to be lost
Don’t look for me it’ll be at your detriment

I don’t appreciate the sentiment

Just leave me wondering the darkness

Where I can hide and hurt less
In among the people,

The world outside my walls 

My pain throbs, I cannot 

Ignore its gravity.

Grasping not to fall.
So let me drop,

Let me let myself go

I cannot cope with anymore

I’ll shatter again 

This one thing I know 
Don’t come back for me 

Keep your eyes looking on

And when you’re far 

Enough up the road 

You’ll turn and I’ll be gone.

Apologetic Idiot

​I’m sorry I promised you heaven 

And I only dragged you down with me 

I wrapped you in my emotional shackles 

When I was supposed to set you free.

Making it all about me.
I want to be selfless, not to a fault 

But I’m selfish and I’m not sure 

It’s something I’ve been taught.
I wanted to be my best for you 

It seems that is far off the horizon

It’s just you are a beauty 

I can not help but keep my eyes on.
I asked the Universe for you 

My wish was granted 

I prayed and prayed for your kind of love 

A heart truly enchanted.

You came to me 

And well, you know the rest.

When all I want for you is highest good 

You truly deserve the best.
Here I sit in concrete walls 

Both metaphorical and real

I built them high and expected you to climb

With disregard for how it would make you feel 
Love is supposed to fill & sustain 

What have I done but drown and drain?

I’m terrified you’ll never look at me the same 

I’m terrified this is extinguishing the flame 
But that’s it isn’t it?

I’ve been acting out of fear 

Rather than the truth of my gratitude

For the past year.
I am grateful more than I currently show 

And to be honest I don’t want to see you go
Although I understand you’re only human

There’s only so much you can endure

And well I’m stained with filth from my past 

Despite your pain I see you as pure.
I think that touch fucked me up

Beyond all repair 

I held you accountable for what ?

Trying to care.
People like me don’t get to be loved

By people like you.

And I wish it wasn’t so 

I’m beginning to think it’s the truth
I don’t want to cause you pain 

Or put you under more pressure 

I wanted our time to be special

Our love to be one of leisure 
I’m sorry I let you down like the others 

I’m sorry I made you hurt 

And I’m sorry that I ever

Made you doubt your worth. 
I painted you with colours 

That are deep in my soul

So many layers 

I couldn’t see your whole 
Every act of love from you 

I continued to doubt 

And that’s not what 

Any love should be about 

It’s okay to cry

This really is something most people need to hear, including myself. 
I’m re-realising how difficult it is for me to cry in front of people recently.  I went through that period of being honest with emotions, crying when I needed to.. I’m finding it difficult to do either at the moment despite the fact I want to.
I see in other people it’s a strength to admit how you’re feeling, yet in myself under it all I seem to just see it as a weakness.
I had to share this post because it related to a conversation I had today surrounding this subject.  It was another one of those I need to listen to what I’m saying. The friend I was having this conversation with actually repeats my own words to me when I need to hear them.. Funnily enough.
Anyway, I kinda felt like this was a brave post, and have respect for her honesty.

Have a read, what do you guys think?

http://www.amummastimeout.co.uk/2015/02/its-okay-to-cry.html?m=1