Be Real

I could sit here and write you a thousand poems talking about the synchronicity of the Universe, how it brought us together to this point in time and there is a reason for everything. I could sit here and write about all that airy fairy bullshit but truth be told, I just want to be real with you.

I want to say to you yes I have lived before, there’s nothing to say I won’t love again other than the fact I don’t want anyone else, ever and I’ve never been so god damn sure of anything in my life.

I want to say to you to put that the energy between us aside, put the gut feelings and the knowing and the understandings aside and let’s just be human for this one.

As a human I have been through too much and seen too much pain to always rely on what the Universe has in store, yes that’s how I live my life but even I have to strip it down and come landing with a thud into this reality to consider every day life and not just the bigger picture.

There are days I wake up with the passion and vigour of a woman ready to change the world. Alive and ready to take on anything and everything.

Then there are days like today when I don’t have the space in my heart for compassion and empathy and the level of tired I am reaches my soul. There are days like these when I am sick of putting myself in other people’s shoes when I can barely fill my own.

As a human, a tired human on these days I am ten times more likely to be defeated at every turn and I don’t have the energy for the beauty of the world. On these days that I can’t come up with the magic for my usual poetry, that I can’t connect with the Universe because it’s daunting enough walking to the end of the road, on these days I still love you.

On days like these I just want to be real and say

“Hey, it’s okay you know, its okay to feel like you’ve fucked up and you’re stuck going round in circles and feel like there’s points you still haven’t surpassed even though you’ve been on this planet for this long. And you feel like a child when you’re supposed to be an adult. It’s okay.”

And on these days I don’t want to fly to the moon with you or sit on a beach to watch the sunrise on a new beautiful day. I want the things that make us human, every day things like sitting either side of the table talking about nursery with a coffee. You snuggling onto my chest while watching one of the new series we’re binge watching on Netflix or Amazon. Sitting down together after putting the kids to bed and just being silent, no words needed because we’ve both had enough of noise for the day.

On these days I want to be real with you and say it’s worth it, you are worth it. You are worth putting the time in for, we are worth the judgement, the journey, the juggling of responsibility and trying to see where our kind of connection can fit into a world we have to occupy every day while simultaneously trying to sort our shit out and be the adults everyone expects us to be despite the fact we are really still children at heart.

So I’m not gonna write about how our love lights up the sky or how you are the reason for my one hundred thousand lifetimes, we know we can do eternal, we know we can do ethereal, we know we are destined to be. What we need to have faith in right now is ourselves and the fact we will be there through all the bullshit we have to endure, all this being human.

Let’s be flawed and fucked and confused and tired and at a loss for words and imperfectly human. Let’s be human together.

Do or Die

​Deafening silence, I’ve been here more times than I care to remember

As we reach the coldest December I can recall

Since that heartbreaking fall.

The last time I lost you.

Autumn for me was always a time of spiralling

Down, down into the depths of me.

You reminded me of its beauty.

This October and last.

Now as the Winter months roll in 

A healing must begin like I’ve never taken on before

At least, without being floored.

This time round it’s a deeper level,

The deepest I have found in me yet.

Where I hid all the things I wanted to forget

Now I must face.

Not just the memories with your face 

But everything I have scurried away.

The time is now and this is the place,

There’s no looking back this time.

Acknowledging what has passed

Looking to the future 

Focusing on the now.

I will get through this some which way,

Somehow.

I am afraid

​I didn’t understand true fear until you said those words

Read not heard yet they still play in my head

Those words you never said.
And it grips me internally, as animated on the outside as ever.

Just with the need to be alone returning, 

To nurse my wounds

To rebuild a future in my mind

The possibility of never feeling your skin on mine again.
The ache, the ache,

As I slowly break.

Bone by bone I crumble

Cell by cell I am turning to dust

Losing myself in the memory of us.

No Marching Band Needed

​I’m sitting here with the television on, which is unusual for me.

I keep thinking I can hear your voice, my brain playing tricks on me. 

I’m not falling apart. 

The skies aren’t caving in.

My world has not ended.

This seems quite an unduly quiet end to such a love.

Then, it’s not the end, is it?

Or is it?

We both want the same thing.

In the future, but I want you in the present.

I refuse to hold a grudge against you. It’s just not warranted.

I refuse to beg you to come back. I understand your reasons.

I understand. 

It doesn’t stop me from feeling like my heart is crumbling any less, being here without you. 

It’s always different with you

​I’ve probably written more love poems than I have had cigarettes in my life time.

So many written for the miss never to be seen.

It was different with you, it’s always different with you.

I wrote each word for your soul to drink up, I’d feel them to the depths of my soul.

I still do 

Because it’s always different with you.

The varying people I’ve had in my bed all leading to you. 

The racing heartbeats, the fumble in the dark, the immense feeling of regret after (however long our time has been) together.

It was different with you, it’s always different with you.

There was always love, intent in each movement, so much love in each touch.

I am here in silence contemplating the life I have before me.

I couldn’t do it alone before, I needed people to “love” me so I could feel worthy of life.

It’s different with you, it’s always different with you.

I can live life on my own however I don’t want to.

I want to live it with you.

The Loudest Silence

A silence fills the air that says more than our words ever could.

An atmosphere you could cut with a knife, if we were in the same room.

A pause in time as the clocks ticks on,

One minute you’re there, I blink and you’re gone.

In ages passed I would’ve remained in that pause waiting for your return.

Instead I carry on, just in hope to find you along the way.

We have so much silence left to say.

And we shift

This pain is excruciating

Pushing me, got me debating it all.

If I let go how much further will I fall into those blue, green, grey eyes ?

The colours that used to brighten my nights

One look and I had clear sight.

Something turned, something changed

And everywhere I look I see only your name

Every thing I hear reminds me of your voice

Believe it or not I put you first in my every choice.

And we shift

The veil lifts to reveal something new

All the things you don’t understand about me, the things I don’t know about you.

And we shift

I miss being in your arms

When everything was assured to be okay

Last time we were together I didn’t really know what to say.

We shift, are we drifting beyond the others reach?

Are these just lessons the universe has to teach

Or is it an end?

I always said I would never be your friend.

The burning was always love,

A pain is returning again

That ache, ache, ache

With this rift between us.

The evidence of a lack of trust.

Yet is this trust in ourselves

Or each other ?

The connection when we touched

Each other as lovers feels different.

Or is it I who feels different?

With this shift, are we to lose what we have ?

When the trust isn’t present

Everything else becomes irrelevant

Is this a journey to take together

Or one to walk alone?

It’s not the company I need

I’m used to being on my own.

But I want you

I miss you

I miss your touch on my skin

I miss not knowing where my being ends and yours begins.

Not to lose our identities

Or independence, or take away from the journeys we must walk alone

But lose ourselves in each other

When we just need to be home.

Apologetic Idiot

​I’m sorry I promised you heaven 

And I only dragged you down with me 

I wrapped you in my emotional shackles 

When I was supposed to set you free.

Making it all about me.
I want to be selfless, not to a fault 

But I’m selfish and I’m not sure 

It’s something I’ve been taught.
I wanted to be my best for you 

It seems that is far off the horizon

It’s just you are a beauty 

I can not help but keep my eyes on.
I asked the Universe for you 

My wish was granted 

I prayed and prayed for your kind of love 

A heart truly enchanted.

You came to me 

And well, you know the rest.

When all I want for you is highest good 

You truly deserve the best.
Here I sit in concrete walls 

Both metaphorical and real

I built them high and expected you to climb

With disregard for how it would make you feel 
Love is supposed to fill & sustain 

What have I done but drown and drain?

I’m terrified you’ll never look at me the same 

I’m terrified this is extinguishing the flame 
But that’s it isn’t it?

I’ve been acting out of fear 

Rather than the truth of my gratitude

For the past year.
I am grateful more than I currently show 

And to be honest I don’t want to see you go
Although I understand you’re only human

There’s only so much you can endure

And well I’m stained with filth from my past 

Despite your pain I see you as pure.
I think that touch fucked me up

Beyond all repair 

I held you accountable for what ?

Trying to care.
People like me don’t get to be loved

By people like you.

And I wish it wasn’t so 

I’m beginning to think it’s the truth
I don’t want to cause you pain 

Or put you under more pressure 

I wanted our time to be special

Our love to be one of leisure 
I’m sorry I let you down like the others 

I’m sorry I made you hurt 

And I’m sorry that I ever

Made you doubt your worth. 
I painted you with colours 

That are deep in my soul

So many layers 

I couldn’t see your whole 
Every act of love from you 

I continued to doubt 

And that’s not what 

Any love should be about 

What Use are Words?

​The ache spreads from cell to cell

Resulting in no story to tell.

With all the words I have to say 

I’m not sure you want to know anyway.

You said yesterday you couldn’t keep away 

So much is changing day to day.

And I pray, on my knees, your words will come through

Asking me to come home to you.

I read somewhere that expectations are the route of all heartache

We’ll it’s true, because each word you don’t say extends the break.

Shattering fragile glass with in a case of iron 

While my chest is empty waiting for you to lie on

Waiting for you to fall asleep in my arms 

Maybe it’ll be third time a charm.

I said I’d wait and I know I will.

I just don’t know how much of me it will kill.

I will live, I will laugh and I will become more

With a part of me missing and I wonder what for

I understand the reasons to an extent 

I just can’t see beyond what is actually meant.

And again I repeat but this isn’t about me

My instinct is to fight but maybe you need me to set you free

As you grow more distant as each day passes 

I want to take off my rose tinted glasses

Just to see the world in a blurred vision 

Drowning out my soul awaiting your decision.

Big Fallacy

Pharmaceuticals: used to adjust brain chemistry in such a way that you function like a “normal” human being.
Without depression, without psychosis, without sense.

Reality: drugs produced en masse prescribed for a variety of ills from pain to psychosis and everything in between allowing the companies of big pharma to rake in billions each year while us mental health lifers drift from ultimate high to ultimate low to ultimate head fuck.

Take this medication
The pills will sooth your ills
Take this medication to aid in reparations to your personality.
You go against the grain, you are not happy, something doesn’t feel right.
Take this medication.

Now some medication has helped me manage NY mood, my depression, my attitude to align with the rest of humanity or send me to absolute apathy
To the point I don’t give a fuck.

Take this medication.

Olanzopine, Quitiapine.
Sertraline, Duloxetine, amitryptaline, mirtazapine.
Borderline, traumatic theatrics
Post pre apocalyptic stress.

This order is disordered.
This order got it wrong.
There is a sense of order
I just sing to a different song.

I’m not broken, I’m not “ill”
I’ve been taught my fire, my passion and will
These are why I’m broken, these are why I am ill

I’ve been taught to see disorder in a mind that’s not so chaotic
Chemically speaking legal drugs seem to make me more neurotic.
Fuck anti-psychotics.

To hear voices, to believe in aliens,
To see things others can’t
Are considered gifts in some societies.
To be sensitive to the world around you.
To see so much negative behavior,
To not trust people
Paranoid, your paranoid
Because you’re thinking not being an Android

Plugged into my phone
I am no longer alone.
The light will guide me.

For fuck sake Phoenix
Read a book, take a look out the window

It’s okay that I can’t let go,
I’m not broken, I’m not ill.
I will not take more medication until
I am just chemically driven in automatic
It’s time I learned manual.

It’s time I read the manual
On a gradual time scale
I’ve not failed and I’m not a failure

Stop taking this medication
Stop giving lethargy justification

This is order is not disordered
This order got it right
This mind is not chaotic
I just prefer to live at night