Leave Me Lost

​A pain burns in me like you wouldn’t believe

Fires eating all the love I receive

Leaving me bitterly twisted, 

Upright with resistance
To spin out of control

Taking up everything I see

Whirlwind motion

Destroying this all

Alongside me 
Push those away who 

Could get hurt in the chaos

Blow out all candles

All beacons for I am 

Meant to be lost
Don’t look for me it’ll be at your detriment

I don’t appreciate the sentiment

Just leave me wondering the darkness

Where I can hide and hurt less
In among the people,

The world outside my walls 

My pain throbs, I cannot 

Ignore its gravity.

Grasping not to fall.
So let me drop,

Let me let myself go

I cannot cope with anymore

I’ll shatter again 

This one thing I know 
Don’t come back for me 

Keep your eyes looking on

And when you’re far 

Enough up the road 

You’ll turn and I’ll be gone.

A Curse/blessing upon this household.

Trying hard to remain true to my pack.
Reviewing the cold parts of society
With clarity because they help make up the parts inside of me.

And a joyous duty calls for me to dance steps
I seem unable to feel them through this which I am unable to forget.
A cloud of guilt and abandoned regret.

I tell myself to let go.
I plead with myself to make the past so.
To keep it there, not hinder my present time,
Instead of dragging it around, the heavy luggage I am not unpacking is weighing down my mind.

I realise I must understand there’s no rush, it’s a gradual release of every time I’ve been crushed.
By others, strangers, loved ones and yours truly.
I’ve got to take the time owed to each one duly.

Those parts inside me, reflected in the world around
A montage and collage of my own emotional spectrum.
Judgemental bitch to the anal rectum.
Empty yet full. Intense and loving.
The reality of standing still creating the urge to keep moving.

A menage of inhabitants, traits from many corners of society
Seen with clarity because that’s what inside of me.
A desire to serve. To be of some use to something, now I have someone.

I’m trying hard to remain true to my clan.
Picking up the slack where I can,
To show my love, to be present for them.
At least until I can be more than this again.

Yet I’m tired of it all except for my love.
Yet I’m unsure of it all except for those I trust.

Off switch engaged

I feel like I’m switching off to every beautiful thing that I’ve got
Turning away from a beautiful dream
To a mindstate where autumn leaves are painted green
Covering the truth, the pain of the unseen.

It’s occurring on every level, just as I’m about to settle: the walls raise again
Pushing out all, foe and friend. So often previously leading to the end of my presence.
My partaking in the essence of every day life
Sinking into oblivion, vision turning snowflake obsidian
Deep depths of a sealed heart, spotty white on a background of dark

I feel like I’m switching off to all that I’ve got
Returning to things that I’m really not
I’m not bitter, I’m not twiistd,  my dark is like a light shade of blue
Yet I still leave chaos in my wake, the trail of mistakes I declared never bothered me
A statement full of untruths head to head with the delusion of democracy
Engorging me in my own hiprocracy, my own ego mocking me.

This makes me feel like I’ve got to leave, like I’m not really free
Trapped in something I’ve never really been able to fathom
In a valley at the base of a great casm
Open prey to a mighty fire breathing dragon
With no armour, open to my own harm
Drowning in my own lack of charm, lack of grace
I’m building walls like I’m saving face
When in reality I’m switching off to every beautiful thing that I’ve got
Taking it for granted, like it’s always been this way
In danger of it all being taken away.

Life Passing

It seems this is back to a time when is passing me by while I stare at four brick walls trying my best to be somebody for those who need me to be.
Yes it comes as of a relief of sorts understanding I can be of some good to some people. When they say this to me though I am silent. I just think to myself I’m a fraud for all the things I could be doing and I’m not. For the pure and simple fact that yet again my focus is drawn to my own invalidity as a human being when maybe if I could let go of that I could focus on other people more. Yet I don’t. I’m not going to say I can’t, is that not just another excuse? I’m bored of my own excuses, I have none left. I am this way and this way I seem to be.

Daily, though, when I close the curtains to stop the sun coming in my bedroom I just note it’s another day passed. Another day slipping by when life is happening now. I have no right to complain about life slipping me by, I have no right to be upset that I’m not out there living it because it’s me not out there living it. Me in here, not writing, with my nose in a book. It’s me in here watching the sun and moon rise in turn thinking about what I could be doing and not doing it.

I’m lucky though, I have three beautiful people around me who love me unconditionally and make no mistake, I try to lap up every minute I can have with them, I’m not making this taking it for granted mistake again. That’s just it though, if I can’t be more for me I have to do it for them. Yet still, here I am. Yet still I let life pass me by.

Tears Don’t Fall

“Tears don’t fall they crash around me”,
I move in dreams to set my spirit free.
For in the waking hours there’s only the ticking clock
Counting down the eternity to the land that time forget.

Minutes turned, days outnumbered.
I can’t see anything beyond this slumber.

I watch her sleep with bloodshot eyes
Trying to work out where I found this disguise.
Waiting for her dreams to cease
For when she sees through it all is my only peace.

Clockwise in motion, reversed in the dark
Where I found home in her fierce, gentle heart.

“With my last breath I’m choking”, gasping.
On a remaining plateful of hope that seems to be everlasting.
Feasting while I hold her lungs ransom until she returns
Her oxygen is the only thing healing my burns.

Dark Eyes

You look into my brown eyes telling me how dark they are, you say you can’t see much. What am I hiding? Truth is, not much. You place a depth here that doesn’t seem to exist.
Yes, I feel but am I as tortured as I allow myself to think I am? Is there really no hope for me? In my heart I believe that no, there isn’t.

What am I hiding? The wish to die a thousand times a day without hurting anyone I love. The bitterness that takes over my soul every once in a while. The regrets from all the times I’ve died carried with me in almost every action, on days like these at least.

What am I hiding? I suppose not much, because that’s all there is. An empty darkness on top of a million pointless complaints and inability to let go of my own negativity.

What am I hiding? Just how much I want to hide.

A Touch of Soul

My lover’s touch, gentle upon my soul.
My lover’s mouth, gliding across my skin.

One morning of sensual passion
A morning of sighs into collarbones.

An evening, a night of deafening screams on knees,
One morning, one night of praying to the wrong God.

Looks, stares bound in this;
Eyes achieving what words never could.
Body actions, reactions from the soul.

My lover’s touch, unforgiving upon my soul.
My lover’s mouth devouring every inch of bare skin.

The touch of she who claimed me,
She who came for me.

The tender flesh, an adjustment.
The shift of the ache to every limb.

My lover’s touch,
The touch of my lover.
My lover’s mouth,
The mouth of my lover.
My lover’s heart & heavy palm
Touch my soul deeply tonight.

What’s Inside of Me

All of this inside of me
Laying heavy on my chest
it won’t let me breathe
Laying heavy on my mind
It won’t let me be
Weighing down my soul
It won’t let me see
Beyond the dark horizon
Of my perceived reality

Chipping at my thought patterns
To make a change
Yet most mornings I wake the same
Have I wondered lost too long to find myself?
Passions held in my heart begin to melt
Frozen worlds carried in this heart
I smile genuinely then it’s back to the start
Drawing a time when the pain didn’t rule
Lines in blue ink, before the heat cooled

And I turn inwards to the woman in the mirror
Behind all masks to what made me feel such shame
Cutting all ties, vines wrap round my ankles
Keeping me prisoner in these imaginary shackles
I try opening my heart but I’ve lost the key
I can’t seem to release all this inside of me
Laying heavy on my chest
It won’t let me breathe
laying heavy on my mind
It won’t let me be

Past Selves

So many of us are searching for a reason to live
An answer to our own questions
I’m beginning to realise there aren’t any
For the querying many

Living, walking with empty hearts souls frozen
We are the walking dead
Praying to be awoken

I believed I wasn’t one of them
Yet here I stand
Thinking only inside my box
Of how I can’t seem to plan
A route out of my plotted maze
Trees grown from fear
Leading only to the end of my days

The present moment passes
With my eyes looking to the past
Trying to divert my attention
to what’s infront of me at last

I’m blinded by the negative things I say
Agreeing with those who curse me
It’s the way I believe I am anyway

Dreaming big with only intention
without action is just living in vain
Ready to welcome any kind of change
Clinging to an old identity
Yet I know I’m not the same

To The Depths of My Mind

Drops of your blue blood pump through my veins

Every now and again I feel myself mouthing your name

Not from love, not from hate, not from anything you could comprehend

Writhing inside me, twiisting me again

The bones under your skin rattle with sordid affair

The actor of actors.

Truly your benefactor is blessed, with all of those skills you hide

In your gun belt under your bullet proof vest

See me clearly, see me for what I am not

Nothing you ever saw was anything I have even got

Not a word said punctured your lungs

Each letter hand washed, now drying and hung

Suspension from shackles that held this firm

An unintended flame, you poured petrol on the stained glass,

it remains, it burns

Through the dancing flames, I hold your hand still

When you wake in the night and hear those voices you thought you killed

Haunting a place you didn’t think it would penetrate

Contributing to your self loathing and hate

When my sirens sounded, the arms were raised.

No masterful words were used to bring about the end of those days

So believe me a hypocrite, see the master of lies

While my soul wakes daily, when so many times I thought it had died

Feel the weekly epiphanies ooze through your sword

I know you’re just like me, we twinned every word

Take the mask off in this storm, feel the dust penetrate your lungs

Because I see me behind your eyes, you know that can’t be undone

Flee from that dream and walk the days of night

Fellow twiistd entity, no matter the degradation you cause me daily

I wish you well, one day we shall both take flight.