In This Moment

Come all these twiists and turns
With each new venture, a new thing I learn
Not just about my familiar self
About each of the rest of you as well

It is said if  you can’t relate to others
Regarding the darkness of our brothers
Little awareness is had of your own
Overtime, this is what I’ve been shown

I was born in a life with little light
I learned to appreciate the beauty of my night Occasionally it drags me kicking and screaming
Out of my reality to my incessant dreaming

Even there I made sure I honed my skills
To mostly dodge each one of my ills
I acknowledge each and move swiftly on
Fighting for a time they’ll be gone

Still, the delphic chaos takes my heart
I’m emotionally thrown back to the start
So I search for a secret short cut
To quickly pull myself back up on luck

Simply,  if I dwell on each confusion
There’ll be too much water to achieve fusion
I lose any hope of sparking again.
I can’t be lost in that darkness again

I might not find a way out then
Years I gathered information of relevance
To help me along each and every step, 
I’ve tried my hardest to let go of regret

Snippets of effort combined to release
The toxins in my soul restricting peace
I welcome in the H2O swiftly in
To wash the toxicity out through my skin

Slowly cleansing each cell to be sane
Gathering speed,  just in the slow lane
That’s cool,  though,  really it is
I’ve waited half a life time for this

A millimetre a year is better than none
And… when this is over and I’ve won
There won’t be anything I’m not ready for
No more nasty surprises behind closed doors

Only not knowing what the future will hold
Filled with a million pages,  poems untold
Eventually I will put down this sword
On the day I won’t have to fight anymore

I Saw You, Lost

I see you wondering,  lost in the night
I brighten the path with my light
So the waves don’t crash you against the shore
I’m not sure if you’re even looking my way anymore

I see your eyes fixed on a particular location
Tracing that point has become my recent vocation
To realise even if it’s my light you need
To understand if it’s my protection you seek

It’s there for you to find when you are ready
I’ll guide you with my hand to keep you steady
Then once upon the edge of my land
I will welcome you with no reprimand

It angers me to see your previous destinations
The ones you had to leave upon first inclination
That these were not your final goal
What is it you seek to feed your soul?

Questions whirling round my head
Relative to particular things you’ve said
I wait on the beaches, my flame fixed
On the moment to see if it fits

Impatiently observing the depth of your darkness
For you to eventually swim up and surface
Come,  maid of the invisible sea
Won’t you come lay with me?

Inappropriate Paraffin (Repost)

Viewing the birth certified rights
Of each with a pedantic light
Scrupulously screening individuals
Irrelevant to this cautious pinnacle

Erasing elements of distant strangers
Who’d all gaze my way,  like I’m a stranger
Pointless attachments dissolved immediately
Severed sentiments no longer serve me,  I’m stronger

Remembered,  the absolute importance
Retaining the working bridges,  in tact
This finale of cognitive Chaos regarding
Burning walkways on which footsteps do not lack

Arrogance aided previous disposal
The indisposed,  not indispensable
Reminiscent expressions of interest
Reflect the intervention of the sensible

Revered,  in loathing or indeed respect
Encounters,  are these,  of universal magnitude
Discombobulated consideration thankfully
Ceasing to induce that particular attitude

Houses of little curse,  than my adoration
Fascination for fervent differences,  untamed
Passionate flames,  heating the highest thought
Obliteration of the face in the dark, 
As of yet, unnamed

Gut Instincts

(started February,  finished 29th July day of original post)

I thought,  that’s the problem
When I feel I do not get it wrong
I lived off my deep gut feeling
For so fucking long

To experience a series of events
That made me question my gut elements.
I started looking for the
Incorrect kind of evidence

Old habits are ones that die hard
So I thought it was always me
Now I know better than that
You’ll just never be free

I can’t wait for a soul as closed
I can’t place my heart in your palm
I worked to hard for too long
To destroy my own flamed calm

Phoenix wings carry me
I thought you had them too
But you pretended back then
That you actually know you

When you searched for truth
In the very depths of my soul
Shifting my perspective
To the shadows untold

I can’t live like that,  or love
Lies ruled my existence,  screaming
My sanity away from my own light
Like I was constantly Dreaming

That’s not love,  that’s control
Now I’m strong again,  without you
No sweet smiles of destruction
Will penetrate my point of view

I can’t love you,  it doesn’t work
You filled my whole heart with doubt
When after this amount of time
I know exactly what I’m about

You wonder lost in your darkness
Searching my firelight
I leave this place,  and you
In the dark of your own night

Star Warriors

Place this delicacy in my palm
Let me protect your demeanour
I’ll fight your Demons,
As I have mine

I’ll fight every element of your pain
With time

And you know this weapon
Cannot be defeated
And you know this heart
Will not mistreat you

I need no sword,  no arrow and bow
No staff or musket
I fight all with the facade of
The woman you trusted

We will not walk hand in hand
Yet I will be behind you all the way
Defending each attack, even from you
I know I’ll win anyway

The ethereal warriors, 
flying on birds of fire
We are connected
by my flamed desire

We’ve relation to an eternity
When I call upon them
Each return to me

We fly,  repelling attacks
On beautiful souls,  like yours
So just kick back and relax

Ride on these phoenix wings
To where the cosmic Angels sing
To a time beyond the souls reach
To a snippet of eternity we can keep

We’ll sit on these stars
Looking down at the milky way
You’ll be wondering what you
Were worried about anyway

Choices

I choose life
My body chooses survival
My heart could write a
million words a minute
If only I could stop staring
into space a while

Weeks and weeks and weeks
My words flow both day and night
If we still used paper
The pile would be ten foot high
So why am I now living this spiritless lie?

I do not give up,  yet the body does
I’m only as limited as my spiritual self
Aside from the lack of ability to think
maybe that’s my heart as well

I’m no longer in my hell
Yet my earthly presence is still now
Re experiencing unremembered memories
Unable to stop them without the
Knowledge of how

Awaiting the assistance
To align my own flamed wings
Phoenix like ascents inspire
The flames to grow higher
To a cloud upon which my spirits sings

Are these unrealistic things?
Peace and love, and their entourage.
Building up my life like a collage
I’m a Star in my own
ridiculous eighties montage

Singing and dancing everywhere
I look at them and I don’t care
The flames dull as quick as they ignite
Taking me back to the dark of night
Then nobody else is there

The words begin,  within my pain
Spiritually release in this twiistd name
Existing beyond a time of peace
There never was any chance of ease
I live my life all the same

Admittance

I know I need to get you out of my system
But my mind and heart just put up resistance I’m going to have to give myself some assistance
It may have to start with some admittance

I admit it feels like no one’s hurt me this way
I also admit my  only comparison is present day
It seems to trigger reaction no matter what you say
The damage has been done but I still stay

I admit I love you on the very edge of any reason
I admit I thought it would last just a season 
My heart gave me reason to carry on believing
When my head just thinks my heart is deceiving

I’ll admit that it feels you have disregard for my time
Like I can just give you all of mine
In reality we speak just a few lines
But you are always on my mind

I’ll admit I realise this is why I despise
I’ll admit that it’s this I realised, 
I’ll admit I just want you by my side
I’ll admit I dream of you all day and all night

I’ll admit,  I’ll never admit the depth of this message
I know if I said it I’d get nothing but resentment
I’ll admit it feels like this moment is present
I’ll admit,  for me,  nothing is more relevant

I admit I dislike you,  a little for all of this
I admit I thought you could bring me bliss
I’ll admit I always wanted more than a kiss
I’ll admit my love is the cause of the sweet bitterness

I acknowledge I absolutely must let you go
I realise my soul tells me to let you Know
I’ll admit fear envelopes my existence as a whole
I realise I will never be the guardian of your soul

I can’t move on though,  even though  I try
I’m stuck at this everlasting ‘why?’
“Why is it I must survive this life until I die..? ”
Never having an answer to my ‘why?’

And you March on daily,  when all I think about is talking to you
And you go second to second unaware I’m dying without you
And I live on,  Dragging my existence through

A lifetime of this monotonous cycle,  what’s a girl to do?

Probably My Last Post

Yes, something away from the computer… Like street poetry #wordonthestreetis #streetpoetry project #London @spreadthisw0rd

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One of us

Our Calling (repost)

I think of the people
who have passed through
leaving an embossed imprint
in my mind, my soul
a red streak on my rose tint

The old days brought great enamour to my heart
as I let myself reflect
for each from whom I’ve parted
Wondering if I had the same affect

Or if I’m barely a memory
part of the montage of life
played to a soulful melody
have i been anyones
remedy?

like some have to me

at time just one sentence
a sentiment of absolute relevance
has spun my whole world

the word was born
from a multitude of ideas
all culminating to enable
me to stop the spread of my own fear

this is part of why I am here
why I survived and came out alive
and kicking, writing my light
for guidance in my next dark night

but, what if im not what others are to me?
how will I inspire the trapped to be free
I don’t know, so I keep the faith
that I know things to which people can relate

not in hate. but through love
granted it’s tough
but only love is enough
to lift you and your spirit above the dark

to dance on and leave your mark
this is your task
as the word is mine
to spread love and acceptance
and live it, with time

You are on my mind (repost)

Recently loving you has become
Another part of my daily routine
So much so,  at times I don’t even
Notice ,  it would seem

I wake up…
                … I think of you

I perceived this,  once
As a changeable state
I’ve learned since
That was a mistake

I eat breakfast…
                        … I think of you

As cheesy as it sounds
With you in my heart
I float on clouds

I drink my tea…
                       … I think of you

I saw you in my future needs
I read it Once in my tealeaves

I Write My lines…
                         … I think of you

Almost every word I write
I scribe both day and night
Only really for your eyes

I work out…
                 … I think of you

Love has taken me full swing
This was never a passing thing
I always wanted more than a fling

I eat,
I sleep,
I dream,
I think of you.

Every second…
                         Every minute…
                                                  Every hour of…
                                                                            Every day…

………You
         are
         on
         my
         mind